Right now I really hate my life, like the way I’m currently living, I also really hate school so much that I don’t want to take anymore classes. I just don’t want to deal with my life anymore or anything else for that matter. All I wanted to for a long time is curl up and die and at this point I just want to do that, cause I’m sick of being all alone, and I’m tired of going to bed alone too. I want someone to share my bed with me but no one wants to be ”close friends” with me all because I’m somewhat overweight. I’m also tired of being alone which I’ve been for the last 20 yrs or so of my fucking life. I started to pull away from my childhood friends when I was 9, the reason I won’t say here – well not now anyway. Living in Alaska doesn’t even fucking help matters either. I just want to end it all – eveything. One other thing I hate now is that I tend to ruing good things that come into my life. I want to share my life – well open up to someone and everything together.
Over the last couple of years living in Alaska that I don’t like is all of the fucking stares that I’ve been getting for no apparent reason. Like I have no idea what I did to get these stares or be the butt end of jokes, laughs, or whatever else people might “throw” at me. Granted, at times, I tend to be standoff-ish towards people but still. Sometimes people look at me like I’m some kind of freak or monster of some kind – which I’m neither of. Granted I could things on my part like joining clubs and do other shit like that but for some reason I just don’t want to do that. I’m at a point in my life where I just don’t want to waste time more than I want to but I do when it comes to school or going to the gym to workout.
Seems that since I started to classes at my local University for some reason or another I tend to screw things up a bit. What I mean is that I know where I want to go but for some weird reason I just go and take the wrong way about getting things done. Or things would get so fucked up with my classes to the point where I had drop alot of the classes that I was taking. Now with just taking 2 classes in the spring – even though I know I should take more classes and this after I already talked to an adviser about classes for the spring term. Like everything else I just want to say “Fuck it, fuck school, and everyone else for that matter.”
For some reason over the last couple of yrs I just wanted to walk away from everyting and just disapper from my family in part because I feel like I’m a major disappointment to them. There are certain members of my close family member (I won’t say who here) always comes and visits me and our relative that I’m staying with while I’m going to school – back to my point – this certain member generally, if not, always comes and visits when I’m just starting classes regardless when I’m starting classes. I just don’t understand why this family member does this atleast to me, shit, I mean, damn it, sigh – I just don’t want to deal with this pictular family member on a regular basis. Once I get a stable job and save up loads of money I would seriously move out on my own. I’ll still have daily contact with the relative that I’m currently staying with. But as it is, I’m tentativly planning to move from Alaska to the “lower 48” states shortly after I get my degree.
If I actully do move to the “lower 48” states, I would tell very few people where I would be moving to. I’m thinking of several places to move to but haven’t decided yet. All I know in what I want to do is to move some where its warm and have a nice yard to work in. But in the regardless of what happens its just gotten to the point where I just don’t want to deal with my family as much or at least as much as I do now. As much as I like them its just that I don’t want to be in constant contact with them anymore. It seems that I’m becoming even more of a recluse over the last couple of years, more so in this last year.
Anyway, I think that I got just about everything out of my system for now.