Category: Journal Entries

New Years Resolution(s)

For the last several years I haven’t done any New Year’s Resolutions since I wasn’t in any position to follow through with any resolutions that I thought of. Though, I do have a couple of New Years Resolution that I want to do and to follow through this coming year.

A Quarter Moon taken one evening in March 2017.
A Quarter Moon taken one evening in March 2017.
  • Start taking classes again – I’ve already registered for two;
  • Blogging more on this site;
  • Take More Photographs in Oregon and Southwest Washington;
  • Travel – Road Trips in Oregon, State of Washington, and Northern California when possible;
  • Look for and buy a house by the time summer arrives this year – if possible of if at all;
  • Possibly remove myself from social media at some point this year (Instagram, Facebook, etc.);
  • Maybe create videos and share on this site by the way of drone – depends on where I can use the drone if I get one;
  • I may start a podcast of some kind but not sure.

There are a couple of other items that I thought of adding to the above list but it is just a matter of time before things could pan out later the year.

I want to do all of the stuff on this list, but I could see myself doing several of those things on the above list. But then I could nothing at all expect for going back to college.

sort of have been writing more

Seems like that recently I’ve been wanting to write some more either on this blog or on my side blog located on wordpress.com. Though, some of the posts that I wrote were posted as private so I could go back and reread them so they could sound better to me and to see if I would need to rewrite them if needed. Or the posts that I write would get deleted after I spend some time in writing them.

I think its the fact of writing that’s been helping me getting some things out in the open and air out the “dirty laundry” that’s been going shifting through my mind. And what I mean by “dirty laundry” is that things that I normally try to say to some doesn’t get really said after the fact. Then if I like the way the post is edited I would then post it, but some, as I have said, I would delete the post that I spent time on doing. Granted it may be a waste of time doing a post but I think its the fact of writing something is or would be helping me in dealing with stuff – if at all. Plus, there are a lot of things that I could write about on this blog or the few other that I have or had in the past but it wouldn’t be right if I did that. Though if I did write about other people and the stuff that they did or have said to me, I think I would be in some kind of legal trouble and that’s why I tend to keep things in the very general sense when I’m writing stuff.

In the past when I post stuff to this blog or to the ones that I’ve had in the past they’ve been to the point and sometimes very brief. Though looking back on things in regards to blogging in general I might have dong things a bit different, in what way I wouldn’t know how I would do things differently. One thing that I would have done differently would be writing some longer posting in some fashion on many different subjects.

Its just that recently that I’ve been writing more constructive, thoughtful or thorough writings. Or in the past which were to the point postings, like the post about the feed for this blog. Speaking of which, the plug-in that I got through feedburner.com which is a wordpress plug-in redirects the regular feed to the feedburner feed. In the options menu for this plug-in has an option for the comments feed too that if you use feedburner for it. I know what I’ve just said might be redundant but if it is please ignore it.

Plus, I think I’m also making up for some lost time in writing some more constructive and longer posts. As it is that I should be writing more stuff other than those post’s that I’ve been complaining about stuff (look in the archive over the last year or two, I might have a couple still visible to the public).

Another thing that I’ve noticed is that after writing some post I tend to get to sleep sooner at night, and another reason would be that getting my somewhat stopped getting worked up about stuff when I go to bed at night. In the past when I when to bed for some reason I would get myself worked up and wouldn’t get to sleep for hours on end. But for some reason is that I’ve (mostly) stopped doing that. Though I’ve been doing that to some extent, but its not getting me anywhere and nowhere fast.

On a side note that I hope or might have a feeling that the situation that I’m currently in …. hopefully … would be getting better but I’m not totally sure yet. Let me say that I’m stuck in the proverbial “rock and a hard place” especially in the last 6 to 8 months. Though, If I’m able to leave Alaska this summer I will and I would take the chance to do it (see this post and this one).

If I was able to leave a couple of years ago I would have left without looking back. But life hasn’t really been kind to me while living in Alaska, and I think having bad karma for a while might have something to do with it. But thats for another post and for another time.

Though I would like to write some more …. now its time to go for now…

bye for now

Peter

The proverbial Fork in the Road

As you may tell by the title of this post that there’s a proverbial “Fork in the Road” decision is coming soon that I should or need to make – well in 6 to 7 months time. The decision that I’m trying to make is to whether stay here in Alaska for 2 more years and finish University, or to move to back to the “lower 48” next summer and could finish at another University that I have in mind. I don’t want to say which University that I’m thinking of applying to transfer to yet.

During this time I would need to consider some other factor whether or not I should stay or to leave Alaska. The reason for that statement is that there somethings that are somewhat “beyond my reach” but that’s not the phrase that I’m not looking for. The other phrase I might consider is “beyond my control.” There might be one or two other phrase’s that might be helpful or be used in this situation but can’t think of these phrase’s.

As I’ve just said that there are few other factors to be or should be considered and depending on what happens with these other outside factors/choices would help me make the decision whether or not to stay in Alaska.

Now here is the main reason for this “Fork in the Road” decision I should or need to make: I see an opportunity or an opportunity is presenting its self to me to leave the state of Alaska sometime during this next year possibly for a very long time. If I choose to stay here in Alaska to finish University I doubt that I’ll never leave this state for a long time, and miss a lot of opportunity to broaden my horizon’s in life. Like to travel the planet – see a later paragraph.

Anyway, looking at the situation that I’m currently in is making me think about what I want to do with my future. What I see is that I could stay for several more years and finish University and live here for the next 10 years or more, or I could move in 8 – 9 months and attend another University and “get on” with the rest of my life and have minimal contact with my family over the intervening years as time marches forward. Though there is possibly nothing wrong with either choice with what I want to do with the rest of my life.

If I stay here and finish University here in Alaska I would be done in approximately 2 years time starting in Fall 2008. If I do stay it looks like that I would be taking at least 5 classes per term – not that I mind taking that many classes at one time, though it would be difficult to manage my time among other things.

If I do move and attend another University in the “lower 48” I would figure that it would take me, I think, at least 3 years or more to complete the required course work at the new University that I might attend.

Though I wasn’t planning to be taking classes this long (started in Fall 2002), now is Fall 2007. What I wanted to do was to transfer to another University 2 years ago and that didn’t happen at all. Basically it was poor of did proper planning on my part. I did take several classes over again which screwed things up for me academically in the long run.

Now the problem or the questions I need to ask my self are: What should I do about my education?, Should I stay in Alaska and finish University here?, Should I transfer to another University and finish my education there? Should I stay here and finish my education here then go to another University and get another degree? Should I take a break from University altogether for a year and travel?

One thing that I would like to do is to visit several countries and a few other state’s in the U.S. The places that I would like to visit to while on break from University are Ireland, the United Kingdom, Italy, maybe Spain, New Zealand, Australia, Japan, Canada. Though not in this order and would or could take me several years to travel to each country listed here.

During the next 3 to 4 months would help me to determine whether or not on what happens if I’m choose to transfer to another University or to stay in Alaska for the next 5 to 10 years. Though I didn’t plan to stay in Alaska as long as I did – nearly 15 years of my life that I’ve been living here. The truth is that I’ve been wanting to leave Alaska for the last 5 years and the situation that I’m in prevented – well mostly prevented me from leaving and “getting on” with my life.

As I’ve said earlier in this post that there’s an opportunity for me to leave, now the problem is whether or not I should take this chance and take life by the balls and run with it.

I could go on with this post and talk more but it seems like that I’ve got the majority of it said here in this post and I would be just babaling on like a jack rabbit – if there’s ever such a thing to witness. I might post updates to this over time depending on what happens over the next several months.

Bye for now….

Peter

lack of writing

There’s a lot of things that I want to write down and say a bunch of stuff but can’t bring myself on doing it. There’s some weired – well odd stuff going on with my family which I won’t say here. My main problem now is trying to get what I want to say, etc and put them into words but for the life me I’m unable to. I would really like to sit down and write good long entries on this blog but I can’t seem to – let alone a paper based “journal.”

Lately, I’ve been trying to improve my life a little, I’ve been considering transferring to another university in the “lower 48” for awhile now, and I got around to send away for information from at 6 different universities. Though I might just apply to 2 or 3 universities by the end of the summer. By then I would have hopefully gotten all of the requested information that I sent away for.

Right now I want to say even more stuff or even talk about but I just can’t bring my self on doing it. I have a felling that something is holding me back and preventing me from saying what I want to say on my mind or what ever else that comes to mind.

I think part of my problem is that I just want to walk away from everything and say a big f-you to my life and my family; but I won’t be doing that because it won’t be the “proper” thing to do right now. I have generally nothing against my family but sometimes it makes me wonder if I’m ever going to get away from family for a while. While I could go on about my life and my family – things have a way of coming back at the most unexpected time and bite me in my a**.

bye for now….

Peter

Its been a while

Well its been a while since the last post that I wrote and posted back in September. Though I’ve wrote several post’s that I have not published yet. Things have been difficult that last several months … which I won’t say that much here, if any. Hopefully, I would be publishing the post’s that I’ve writing soon but I don’t know yet.

Anyway, one thing that I’ve noticed recently is that I haven’t really listening to any music CD’s since March of this year since I got an IPod then.

As far as school is concerned is that I’m considering and looking in to transfer to another university but I’m still looking to stuff in regards to this. Just have to see how thing’s go by the end of Spring here in Alaska.

Have a good Christmas holiday everyone.

Peter

Today’s my Birthday

Well there are few mintues left in the day of my birthday which is today (8/26) or atleast there was. I turned 30 yrs old (yuck). Though I would have thought I would have moved out of Alaska by now but that hasn’t happend – yet.

I just wounder how the next 30 yrs would be like for me.

Taking a break…

As you might notice the title of this post that I’m going to stop blogging for – well atleast until the end of summer. Its to the point where I want to reevaluate the direction of this blog and the rest of my site between now the end of August. THough I would try to finish updating a new look for my site over the next week to 10 days.
There happens to be a lot of stuff going on in my life now to the point where I want to go with my life and try to make “long term” plans. Like where I want to go to grad school and such.

But at this point I just don’t know what to do with my life. It seems like that I’ve been standing at a “fork in the road” in life for the last couple of years or at least for the last year anyway. And its also to the point where it feels like that I can’t even or alowed to change and become further independent from my family. Its just that I get pulled back into my family without much of choice regardless of what and where I want to do with my life.

Anyways, this is or should be my last posting to this blog for while – there might be one more post then that would be it for this blog for the rest of the summer.

Take care everyone

bye from Peter

Tired of school already, etc.

Recently for some reason I just wanted withdraw from classes I’m currently taking. I’ve become tired of just going to classes or just by going up to the local unviersity. I don’t think I’ll will even take classes during this coming summer.

As far as taking classes for a Master of Arts degree, I’m thinking of studing in England or in Austraila or maybe even in Italy but haven’t decided yet since I have a couple of more years of classes though.

I’m half way tempted to just walk away from taking classes and school in general. At this point I just need to have some kind of dramatic change in my life, preferably on the sooner side, but I doubt that would happen anytime soon.

As it is, I’m just plain frustrated about everything in general but specificly about school. I want a major change in my life but it seems like that I’m on the verge of that major change but feels like I’m being held back just enough that its just out of range to do it.

later

online chat rooms suck

I don’t know why I bother going to chatrooms of anykind. It just seems that people just want to meet up and have a night of fun or whatever else that might come up. Granted chat rooms have their uses for getting some “fun” but still it might be a way to “unwind” from a long day. I think its to the point where I might just stop from using or visiting chat rooms for a long time, cause I’m just tired of the bulls**t in this type of online interaction.

Anyway, its just that I don’t want to deal with IM’s either, though I haven’t deceided about that either, …..

I might even write off using the internet in just about every way. Granted, I’ve been using the internet in some fashion for the last 15 yrs (well no more than that many yrs – but it may be closer to 13 yrs that I’ve been using the internet).

laters all

what I really hate

Right now I really hate my life, like the way I’m currently living, I also really hate school so much that I don’t want to take anymore classes. I just don’t want to deal with my life anymore or anything else for that matter. All I wanted to for a long time is curl up and die and at this point I just want to do that, cause I’m sick of being all alone, and I’m tired of going to bed alone too. I want someone to share my bed with me but no one wants to be ”close friends” with me all because I’m somewhat overweight. I’m also tired of being alone which I’ve been for the last 20 yrs or so of my fucking life. I started to pull away from my childhood friends when I was 9, the reason I won’t say here – well not now anyway. Living in Alaska doesn’t even fucking help matters either. I just want to end it all – eveything. One other thing I hate now is that I tend to ruing good things that come into my life. I want to share my life – well open up to someone and everything together.

Over the last couple of years living in Alaska that I don’t like is all of the fucking stares that I’ve been getting for no apparent reason. Like I have no idea what I did to get these stares or be the butt end of jokes, laughs, or whatever else people might “throw” at me. Granted, at times, I tend to be standoff-ish towards people but still. Sometimes people look at me like I’m some kind of freak or monster of some kind – which I’m neither of. Granted I could things on my part like joining clubs and do other shit like that but for some reason I just don’t want to do that. I’m at a point in my life where I just don’t want to waste time more than I want to but I do when it comes to school or going to the gym to workout.

Seems that since I started to classes at my local University for some reason or another I tend to screw things up a bit. What I mean is that I know where I want to go but for some weird reason I just go and take the wrong way about getting things done. Or things would get so fucked up with my classes to the point where I had drop alot of the classes that I was taking. Now with just taking 2 classes in the spring – even though I know I should take more classes and this after I already talked to an adviser about classes for the spring term. Like everything else I just want to say “Fuck it, fuck school, and everyone else for that matter.”

For some reason over the last couple of yrs I just wanted to walk away from everyting and just disapper from my family in part because I feel like I’m a major disappointment to them. There are certain members of my close family member (I won’t say who here) always comes and visits me and our relative that I’m staying with while I’m going to school – back to my point – this certain member generally, if not, always comes and visits when I’m just starting classes regardless when I’m starting classes. I just don’t understand why this family member does this atleast to me, shit, I mean, damn it, sigh – I just don’t want to deal with this pictular family member on a regular basis. Once I get a stable job and save up loads of money I would seriously move out on my own. I’ll still have daily contact with the relative that I’m currently staying with. But as it is, I’m tentativly planning to move from Alaska to the “lower 48” states shortly after I get my degree.

If I actully do move to the “lower 48” states, I would tell very few people where I would be moving to. I’m thinking of several places to move to but haven’t decided yet. All I know in what I want to do is to move some where its warm and have a nice yard to work in. But in the regardless of what happens its just gotten to the point where I just don’t want to deal with my family as much or at least as much as I do now. As much as I like them its just that I don’t want to be in constant contact with them anymore. It seems that I’m becoming even more of a recluse over the last couple of years, more so in this last year.

Anyway, I think that I got just about everything out of my system for now.

life, school, such and a lot of bs…

I’m at a point in life that I don’t want to have too much going on with my life, but at this point I just want to have the simple things in life. Which brings me to school, sort of, that is, I just want to get a degree in a field that I want to study in but even then I just want to get done with collage over with. Though I don’t mind taking and going to classes, but its to the point I just want to leave the state of Alaska and have a degree of some kind when I do leave this …. state. But then I should be open to the possibility of never leaving the state of Alaska ever again, which if that happens, I just don’t know what I will do with my time, life, etc. But who knows what will happen over the next several years or so.

I just want to get back to the “lower 48” where I could just drive to whereever I want to go to, instead of flying. I’m the type of person that wants to have the simple things in life and stuff like that, but then it may not happen that way. I just have to see how things are turned out with school and wheather or not I’m able to move back to the “lower 48” or not.

later’s all 🙂

things that suck the most

There are many things that suck big time. Like that one of my computer that I have, needed to be taken to a computer store to get fixed, and it would happen that it was a windows based computer that I had trouble with. As it turns out it was a bleasing in disquise (sp?), well I suppose it was, anyway, I thought it would be best if I took the computer in to a repair and do a clean, totaly freash install of the orginal(sp?) system software that came with the computer.

While my windows computer hasn’t been working properly for the last 4 to 6, it so happens that I let the email collect in my yahoo email account for the last 6 weeks. Most of the email anyway, like email groups that I belong to at Yahoo! Groups, and from other places too.

While my windows wasn’t working properly and while in the shop getting fixed, I’ve been my macintosh computer that I had been using before getting a gateway pc several years ago. After I’ve using my mac for the last 6 weeks, I realized why I got a windows pc, even though it would be useful and the like, its just that Macintosh computers are prefered in my home, that I just needed to get a new computer, even if its for the interm period before getting a new Macintosh computer.

Another thing that such is all of the smoke that has been in town because of the fire’s that are nearby. Today (8/18/05) majority of the smoke cleared out even though there is still some smoke lingering in the air. This happen’s after I picked up my windows pc a day before the smoke mostly cleared out of the surounding valley.

laters all

peter